Why there ain’t nothin’better then gettin’ you a new woman. Makes the air smell fresher and the clouds fluffier. Everythin’ seems brandy new. Life goes from bein’ a piece of shit to somethin’ downright pretty.
I met my beau while workin’ in the garden. I was makin’ room for some cabbage. I flipped over a rock and there she was just as oil slickey and shiney as she could be just a slippin and a sliddin along the ground. And mighty friendly too considerin’ I disturbed her at home.
Quick as a fiddle she slid up my arm and wrapped herself around my head the whole time a singin’ to me. Not so’s I could hear it, but inside my head, makin’ me feel all warm and fuzzy inside and out, and wantin’ to do whatever she a wanted me to do.
She said, “Now Homer you can’t tell nobody about me counta’ they would not understand.” And I said, “Why sure enough Daisy (That’s what she called her-self), I understand.”
Daisy said too that if I took care of her, she’d return the favor and take real good care of me. And she did every night. I saw and did things all over the place without ever leavin’ the house. And sure enough she came to me as a beautiful woman, and we did things like that too inside my head just like it would be if we did it outside my head,
Daisy always hung on me wherever I went. So, one day we’re in town, and I’m pickin’ up some feed when Tom and the other boys start a hollerin’ “Hey Homer you slack jawed dumbass. Git over here.”
I knewd they was all about trouble and pickin’ on me. But Daisy said “Don’t you worry none. Go see what he wants.”
No sooner than I walked over to Tom then he smacked me in the head. Said I owed him money. But I didn’t. He just wanted to tease me and see if I’d hand him two bits.
I said, “I don’t owe you nuthin’ Tom. And you best quit hittin’ me.
But he hit me again and asked for two bits. And then his buddies started hittin’ me.
Next thing I knowd, Daisy pops out, makes herself into two black spears and stabs Tom’s eyes. Then other boys started to run but Daisy split herself and flew at them in pieces like spears. Hit them all in the back of the head and dug inside ‘em. They dropped like bags of dirt.
Daisy came runnin’ back to me on a whole bunch of pieces each with a whole bunch of legs. She said, “Homer ain’t nobody seen this but you and me, So, let’s go.”
We got in the truck and drove back to the farm. Daisy was right. Nobody seed nothing counta’ nobody said nothing to me.
I heard about it the next time I went to town. Folks talkin’ about them murders. Said Tom and his boys mixed up with the wrong crowd. I knew different. They got mixed up with my new girlfriend. And between you me and the gatepost, she don’t take shit from nobody especially when they be jackin’ with her man.
Yeah, I loves my new girlfriend.